Thursday, March 22, 2012

Spring Break Musings & Radical Dreams

The week has been full and good. Our sweet friends from Tulsa who are in town came for dinner. They are brave and courageous people who loved me well IN my valley and fought for my soul. It was a delight be with them again, even though it was not enough time and there are 1087 more things to say. Also, yesterday my best friend of 19 years had her second baby and he is precious. Caleb Harrison Rodgers. She has walked multiple valley's with me and will have a special crown in heaven for it.

I have had a quiet house for almost 24 hours, the banshee's made their exit to Grandmama's house for the night and she is nothing less than a saint. I was a bear yesterday, and think the multiple games of Clue Jr., art in the park day that we did with friends and kickball games late into the night have worn me slap out. The children's allergies are in full swing up in here, and I dusted Tinks Cottage with coconut oil and lemon the other day (pictures to come) so I am getting to enjoy a clean house and no children. It feels foreign.

This week my road to sanctification has been all about money. How we have none. How we need some. Pity party's. Fear. Greed. You name it...I've struggled with it. I am learning it IS the root of all evil. I feel like God has freed me in so many ways of my intimacy disorder in relationships, just from recognizing some things, repenting and doing a new dance. I feel some freedom from codependency with people in general. So, with that, not that it was easy nor that I am cured, but seeing old patterns become new has given me a desire to see freedom in other area's.

The verse that continues to come to mind is "Godliness with contentment is GREAT gain". So, I am hopeful that God will fulfill all His promises and my fear of economic insecurity will be washed away, not meaning we will have more, but I will be content with what we have. God knows exactly how much money we need in our checking account and when I live in that knowledge, fully live there in my mind, it slowly sinks to my heart. He cares for me, we have never gone without and have always had an abundance full of exactly what we need.

So, I dreamt about Disney World. I went there as a child and loved it, all my friends talk about its magic, and I've longed to take the banshee's there knowing they would be ecstatic. We don't have extra money like that though, so we've never gone. It's been on my list of things to do. In my dream I feel the rush of seeing the princess castle, riding the thingy that propels you at high rates of speed into the park and I am IN Disney World. The banshee's are filled with screams and delight, we all are. The emotions and feelings are so vivid. It is everything and more we thought it would be. After a fun filled, magical day we are riding in the thingy that propels you at high speeds, now out of the park. I am so in love with Disney, I start planning our trip to come again, I MUST come back.

In that moment, a veil was lifted from my eyes and God was there in Spirit showing me perhaps a different plan  for us, planting a different desire within. All of a sudden, I turn and I see my children in a slum, a dirt slum, with other children that are dirty and thin, crouched down, helping and talking to them. All I know is that when I woke up and talked to the hubs about it, I had tears in my eyes and knew my dream of going to Disney had been changed.

I am not saying I will never go to Disney nor judge anyone who chooses to go, AT ALL, that is not the point of this. I think for me, and after talking to the hubs,  my goal now is to take my children to a different country to be with hurting, hungry people who need to be given some Good News and hope. Where there is no "magic". Where there are no princess castles, snow cones, fast thrilling rides and face painting. It was as if seeing all this in my dream made me question "what I am really doing here? I mean really doing here on this earth" What am I going to portray to my children when we do get extra money? In the end, when my children are telling me goodbye, I doubt they will say, "thank you mother for taking us to Disney" they might, but I doubt it. My hope is they would say "you taught us how to love others. You taught us to spend our money caring for the ones who have none, the orphans, the widows." Not , "thank God you got us to the magic kingdom". Kind of puts it all in the proper perspective.

It made me sad on all levels. I say one thing with my mouth, but my desires are far from what I say.

So, praying to be sanctified and content and wise with our finances when we do have more. God continues to twist and turn me, at times I feel like a pretzel, into a new creation on all accounts. He is molding me into something I NEVER thought I'd be, nor desired to be, but now long to be. His. Completely His alone. Sanctification all along the long, weary road to the promised land.

1 comment:

  1. Loved seeing your sweet family. Miss you already! Love, brooke