Wednesday, June 11, 2014


I haven't written in ages, and I need to be medicated to write bc my brain is fried and so ADHD. It's summer and my tolerance level is low and my anxiety level is high. I could write on one hundred different things, but my heart is in a season of seeking and loving so I will stick with that. Bear with me.

5 years ago, my life was radically different. I prayed and cried and wept and groaned and felt the brokenness of life to my core. I knew bible verses and could never remember a time I did not know about the gospel. I was in an authentic church, that assured me I could show up messy, and always reminded me that I was free to struggle. The buck stopped there though. My spirit knew I could not struggle in this deep, black pit forever. There had to be more. There was little teaching of the power of Christ and living IN Christ and what that entailed, and anyone who has been enslaved by the things of this world knows that it takes more than quoting scripture and praying some prayers to get free. It's an all out miracle.

God, at best, seemed confusing and distant. I was seeking for this miracle, but no one could show me the way. I was seeking the promises of the gospel "seek and ye shall find" and those felt like such empty words. I felt like I was in a maze seeking and seeking the way out but never finding the exit. No one around me had the map either, but that is part of the beautiful, broken story that God redeemed.

Three years of hard seeking, but never finding the answer and I found my way into an AA room. Alcohol was my battle, or so I thought, and although I did not drink daily, I was owned by alcohol and the escape it brought me. With two young children and a marriage that felt empty, It was my coping and survival tool for a broken life, with little to no hope offered by the church I was in. At least, at church, I could be honest abt my drinking and show up there a wreck, which I did.

Enough about the broken and hurting part. It was brutal. I found hope and newness IN Christ 5 years ago, and above all things I found it in a basement of a church, a secular program, where the weak and broken go. The details of God transforming me into a new creation is nothing short of a miracle. I was enslaved and bound and now I am free and joyful, is life still broken...yes, but God has shown me I am not of this world. In HIM, we are the righteousness of Christ, Jesus came so we may have life, he is renewing our minds and we have been raised from darkness into a glorious light. That is the good news. That is the heart beat of my life. I was saved and wondering, like the Israelites saved from captivity, but wondering in the desert for FORTY years. They were saved, but not delivered. The power of all we have IN Christ, not of our own or through some law, literally blows me away.

It is all grace that we know this, and that in him and through Him we have life abundantly. We do not need to be told how broken life is in our churches over and over, just turn on the news or strike up a convo at the pool with someone. I want to be in church every single day to be reminded we are NOT of this world. We are not. Our flesh is, but our spirit is one with Jesus Christ. We are different.

Last night I was with a group of godly women, some God has set free and some are still struggling in the pits. I've been chewing on receiving his love. When we really get who we are in Christ, his abounding love for us and we soak in overflows into our lives in every way. When I stay there, life is good, bountiful overflowing. Our eyes fixed on Jesus bc he is the author and finished of our faith. We can rest, assured we are loved and cherished by the one and only that matters for eternity. We are free to be loved and in turn we can lavish HIS love to others. We can live un-offended and free. The gospel calls us to live IN HIM. That is how we have power and freedom from people, places and things. Receive HIS love today. It's the wellspring of life.

Happy summer. Hope to write more soon.

Banshee update: baby girl turns 9 in a week. 9. She had a double bday party with her friend and it was in the country at a camp and exhausting, but a blast. The years are short but the days are long.
We have already traveled 1200 + miles to see our cousins this summer.
We've spent our days at the pool and on the couch this summer. We love being lazy.

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