It quickly defined me. It owned my time, my money and my soul. I poured over magazines and my black binder (this was pre-pinterest days) which was full with beautiful magazine rip outs and contained my designer, plumber, floor guys and marble guys number. I practically slept with the thing. I was living, what I thought would be, my dream.
Our first night was anything but perfect. Christmas Eve, no heat upstairs, no paint on the walls and I filled my belly with red wine bc I felt, what now I know was... The Ache... for God. I was finally in my house, but it wasn't enough.
The years we lived there, I thrived on compliments, but was left still with...The Ache. I owned my dream house, but it wasn't enough and was ever disappointing bc it wasn't made to fill me. God has redeemed it in a lot of ways, but as we set out buying Tinks cottage in a few days, I feel that pull. I love houses and things. What girl doesn't?! I know they are empty though. Broken.
Two wonderful days I spent shopping w a great friend in ATL, buying a gorgeous chair, which I've posted below along w a fixture I am saving my pennies for... it all only fuels a desire for more and more and more...
Today, I am defined by one thing and only one thing. I am a child of the king.
God help me remember this....
Today.
I am surrendering my money. It is not mine, it is yours. I feel the pull, the tug of worldly things. My house is not enough nor my furniture. My mind spins with ideas of beautiful things, things that within themselves are not bad, but it feeds the need for more. I am reminded and tasting the emptiness of things here. The shopping, the measuring, the colors, the lines, it's all a rush....and then nothing, but an empty feeling as a stare at my newly beautiful purchased items. We give our time, our energy to all these things that will fade, they will not fill us up nor ever be enough. We were made for more.
All this rushing and desire burns within and its a misplaced on things that are all broken cisterns. I am the sea lion splashing in the puddle when the ocean depths are right around the corner. And YOU are the ocean, I hear the roar of the waves and it sounds familiar, I hear it calling but the puddle feels good, even if it is small. I know I was made for more, I've just settled for what I can see.
I waste my time scrolling a screen, flipping the pages of catalogues and worshipping the creation instead of the creator.
Draw me back to you. Fill me up with your truth and spirit. Let me not settle nor sell my self short in a desire to keep up w ppl, places and things that will fail me and can never define me. Adjust my vision and settle my restless spirit and mind that keeps selling my soul for empty trinkets and searching for something to be "enough". You alone are that. Call me out of the puddle back to the sea.
You search me and know me...I know this. Search my heart and let my desires be set right. Be thou my vision. Let me see through the eyes of you. The world is so loud and the puddle splashers appear to be having fun in the tiny puddles they now call home. Guard me from being deceived. Let MY soul desire be found in you. Let me drown in the ocean of fullness. Help me find my way around the puddles back home....
Amen
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