The past month has been a growing season. Subtle changes, things happening, scripture coming to life. Even though I thought I believed in miracles, claim to believe in miracles and think I have great faith...once again I've learned how weak and pathetic it really is. I think of knowing God on a scale of 1-10 I am a 2. I think I am an 8 or 9 and then something out of left field challenges me to pray 'help my unbelief'.
I answer the phone jokingly "hello, crisis center" and this time a voice on the other end whispers, "I am at the bottom". Hard, tears, faith being challenged after years of agreeing with darkness being broken. Lies dispelled. Chains slowly coming off with bleeding wrist and bleeding hearts. Just for today whisper 'He is bigger'. His will not yours. Today, walk into the light. Today agree with light. Today be courageous for no one else, but yourself.
I hang up with my heart pitter pattering with pain for someone I love and joy for someone I love. Pain for them, standing in the gap and believing when they can not. The bottom, the best place and the worst place to be. I've been there. I've called someone. I've been told these very same things. I only am passing it on. The gift of crisis, the gift of life as it is, is not working. Repentance, doing the opposite of what your human nature wants to do and has been doing for years.
I am hopeful. I do have faith God can move mountains after years of them just getting bigger. He breathes new life, new joy into my life as I choose to walk forward into the unknown... daily. Control is only but an illusion. I have been repeating this lately over and over. Reminding myself and others we have none. Releasing that fear, that grip can be hard but when we do, we are worshipping. We are agreeing with the Light and saying yes, Lord we trust you no matter the outcome. Hard stuff, but good stuff. Surrender complete control. Over and over and over. It never was yours to begin with.
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