Joy

I am so full. I feel like I can say this unashamedly bc for 32 years of my life my tank was on half empty. I struggled to make sense of this broken world and although there are days it is still just so plain confusing to me I have a hope and deep rooted joy... Most days, at least, this is the case.
I became a Christian when I was 9. I struggled to believe and had no clue how to live. My head was filled and taught tons of knowledge, I was told doctrine was a huge deal to know and have figured out and I was swimming, in what felt like, an upstream sea of chaos. I am not a type A. I am creative and for sure not in a box. I was raised in a society that all fit in a box, the same type of boxes and it confused me tons. Things said and taught went opposite from actions being done and again my world and soul felt so confused and conflicted.
Through my sin and Gods grace He opened my eyes and removed my blinders. I don't believe lies about myself anymore. When things feel confusing I can state that, not out of fear but in truth and grace. I feel free. Free from the bondage of confusion and rebellion and free from pleasing man. It's a great place to be. Things aren't black and white and I lived in a world where they were.
God has revealed and is revealing mysteries to me I'd never thought I'd know this side of heaven. He comforts me and holds me. His spirit guides me and I share my broken story, filled with hope and redemption to a lady with a hard marriage in a driveway after the kids school drop-off. 2 hours later, I am led again to sit on the curb and share yet again the same story with another friend who just wants deep rooted peace and abounding joy. Tears of joy flow each time.
There is no magic formula except a heart of full surrender and it took 35 years and roads of heartache for me to wind up here, with a heart filled with gratitude and deep, deep joy. Sorrow and joy are so closely mingled together. I have such deep joy bc of deep, deep sorrow.
So we are full. I am enjoying my children, my small cottage on a hill tucked in the woods, my local coffee and ice cream shop and shop that holds my trinkets. My husband is amazing, which is a miracle, and when my children tell me stories of their kindness and love to others it shocks me. I never thought I deserved any of it. I was the black sheep, always, and that felt comfortable. I am so thankful to be done with that role. I struggle battling the lies, but now ultimately see myself as God sees me...IN Christ. He calls me up to my one and only identity...Him.
I hope whether your the eldest son or the prodigal you can hear it's not up to you. You could have failed and be failing miserably, but that is okay. You could be keeping things together great and have a heart filled with anger and pride and he knows and loves you still. Your identity is not in what you've done or haven't done...it's in Him. Until I got to the very bottom, and there were some dark times, did I fully grasp the depth of his love for me. He rescued me. I hope that offers someone hope wherever they may be. He loves you.