Thursday, February 16, 2012

It's 3 AM....

It's in the wee hours of the morning. I can't sleep. I am heavy and struggling and the honest truth is I have been for a a good, but painful way. I feel like God has been peeling back the layers of my junk, slowly but surely and I felt change coming, I just had forgotten how hard change is. It is no major drama, it feels like it is in my heart, but it is God revealing my junk, my insecurities, my way of operating on the same level just doesn't work anymore. The way I let others devalue me or rather I devalue myself has been a topic between me and my mentors lately, and me and God. I am learning, slowly learning what it means to value myself, not in a narcissistic way, but in a healthy way and in doing so it actually helps me value others better. What it means for true intimacy. What it means to have healthy, engaging, uplifting relationships, which aren't always pretty, but they are always truthful and kind. To show up and tell others how you feel with fear of rejection. I am starting to get OK with this though, God is slowly teaching me He will take care of me and knows exactly what I need. How another reacts to how I feel is plainly not my stuff and for me to say that and believe that is an act of worship,because I am like everyone else..."please accept me" my soul screams. I am at the beginning of being OK even if others aren't OK with me.
There were beautiful, beautiful moments today as well. Conversations with people stepping out of denial, God using me with several to speak truth and speak it boldly, taking a risk I might be misunderstood, but praying they would trust my heart. Going to a book study with my husband on "Leaving Egypt" and holding his hand thankful we were on the other side walking together, fighting together and hurting with those who are still grasping for the light. I will say it is hard, after our bottoms, to understand people who really don't know what they struggle with, BUT I've been there I reminded myself. So in denial, so out of touch with my sin and my perception of God and others....thank you Jesus for making my path straight and clear for today.
 This afternoon my mama and I sat outside Tinks cottage in the sun and talked about our journeys. Her journey and mine weaved with sorrow and joy, aren't they so closely intertwined? The things you pray never, ever happen do and God brings you out and blesses you...."He has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction". Yes, I clung to this. I hoped for this. It came true. Through pain and suffering is birthed forgiveness and redemption....a new life. Not always easy, but new. It's a dance that is messy and frightening when you are in it, and as I was telling someone today...just do the next right thing. Pray, on your face pray, and call someone. That's a start. Valley's can be hard, but bottoms can be beautiful. "Faith to me has become to mean..trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." Phillip Yancey.
On that note, my bed is calling my name, the banshee's will be waking me shortly with their hot stinky breath welcoming me into the day. Can't.wait.

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