Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Growing Pains

The past two years, the Lord has used hard things to grow me in my faith. Now, on the other side, I see these as gifts that yes, even though painful, I am grateful for. My marriage is full of intimacy, most days and honesty. A connection I've never had. A connection we were made to have. A far cry from what it was. The Lord has blessed us richly And we continue to grow....
This season He, yet again, is pruning me through others.

As I have grown healthier and have been freed from the black sheep role I owned for way to long, I am waking up to the true brokenness in everyone. Not in a judgemental way, but the reality of others brokenness and not just my own. Forever, my reality was "You are okay, but I am not okay", I still struggle with this. It is not humble to think this way, for I am still thinking of myself way to much and it is not Biblical, Gospel based thinking. My thinking is now coming around to "We are ALL not okay".

I still struggle to want to FEEL okay. To be in harmony with everyone, but again this is not reality. The Lord has used hard relationships to allow me to speak the truth in grace and love. This is what we are called to do. He is revealing, gently, my need to run or my need to ignore glaring issues in relationships. Both are codependent. Forever I thought codependency were people who couldn't say no. The "nice" people who try to make everyone happy, and I was NOT in this category. Certain people and relationships made me shut-down or angry, which at the time I had no clue, but this was codependency. People were STILL affecting me.

So, that is where I am....where I've been this past week. God has revealed the following through hard conversations. They've been hard, but beautiful. They've revealed my sin in wanting others approval and not rejection on a deeper level. It has been a week of anxiousness and peace. Trusting God was working and is working in my life and others. I ended up having a real, honest adult conversation with someone I love dearly. God was present and gracious. Our relationship will never be the same, I hope, in a good way. Growing is never easy and I know I will continue to encounter the effects of the fall, my prayer is that I grow into a humble, gentle, truth speaking, healthy wife, mama and friend.

So, back to reality. The baby banshee has watched TV all morning while I've blogged, still in my PJ's. I guess maybe I should go feed him lunch since it is noon :)

No comments:

Post a Comment