Monday, October 03, 2011

Reality Post

Again, I am reminded tonight of Satan seeking to destroy lives and relationships.
We are not fighting flesh and blood, although it often feels like that.

As I was drawn to blog, I felt the need to escape, to create...which in itself is not bad, but is ultimately is a broken cistern. It was never meant to fill me and can't. Was I trying or am I trying to create a world that I want, but not reality? Probably a little bit. So in that acknowledgment I want to keep it real. Real in the fact, I love to create, to make things, to craft with my children, to blog...those things do bring me Joy. I am thankful for that. I love to blog, for memories for our family to look back at and my friends to read, but sometimes I think I can lean too much on the appearance factor, but my heart is to keep it real.

Real in the fact...
I use pillow cases for lining.
I wanted to have a "weep in the bathroom" moment almost daily this week, and I did several times.
October is a really hard month for me and CJ, you can pray for us to fight FOR each other.
I like to think I don't compare myself, but I do.
I am very impulsive, self-control does NOT come naturally.
and there is so much more....

My heart longs for heaven. To be healed and free of seeking, always seeking for contentment, fulfillment here. Even the days filled with lots of joys and real happiness, there is woven deep in me that "there is more". This is not as good as it gets. Praise the Lord. I am broken, my husband is broken, my children are broken and at times it feels like living in a den full of porcupines. I think the key has been grasping our depravity, BUT striving for Holiness. The Gospel in a nutshell.  We don't have it together. No one I have even met does, not even our mentors who are fabulous, Godly and pretty "famous" in Christian circles...they still have their "stuff". How freeing. We need Jesus. The whore and the Pharisee both needed Jesus, one was no more in need of Him than the other. If only we all could live this way. We are all mighty big sinners in need of a mighty big savior.

Thankful for the reminder of this verse. "You still the hunger of those you cherish." Psalm 17:14 (b) Following Christ has taught me this. So thankful we don't have to have it together and that He weaves joy and sorrow together. Always. I just have to be intentional about looking for joy in the everyday mundane life and especially in sorrow. Thankful that He is working out my salvation and sanctifying me daily. Gratitude can change your attitude. It can weave beauty into pain, and peace into chaos. I long for spiritual awakenings like these, if I keep my heart and my eyes on Him, and a heart in a posture of repentance and belief, it never fails I experience this. God comes in whispers and the ordinary, in the everyday, the mushrooms and autumn breezes....and in sorrow.

I pray that through the reality posts and an openness about our brokenness, God will fill in the holes with Himself. On one hand I feel protective of my story, our story, and what to share and what not to share. I have come to realize details aren't needed. Like any family, we have a mighty big history of generational sin chasing us on both sides and God chose us to be the bondage breakers. I know that Satan wants us to hide this fact, to be ashamed, to forget and move on. We.will.not. We are determined, as a couple, committed to Him and each other, to offer hope to those who are hurting and grace to those who are seeking. We don't have all the answers by any means, but can share our experience, strength and hope with those who ask. I remember holding onto the quote "He has made you fruitful in the land of affliction". And He did. He has. There is hope for the hopeless. We know. We've been there. 

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